Just a little song I've been working on..

You have yourself convinced that you're a soldier..

But now its over.

Where do you stand?

You fall beneath the weight of your own darkness..

But you could stop this.

Even though you say you can't.

But when the angels go down at the edge of the harbor

My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to wander

What is the purpose, why do I bother?

With you my "father".

Mean People Suck...Love Them Anyway

Sometimes it feels like the world is totally against you. It feels easy to see enemies in every person you meet, in your family, friends, and coworkers. I know what I feel like when I feel so misunderstood and just want to make the world a better place. It's so easy to feel like no one cares and that no matter what you do there isn't really any way to change for the better. I think sometimes I feel down about society because to me, a lot of the time America is just a selfish, uncaring place and if you're one of those people who wants to change that, I can totally relate. I wish that love wasn't so hard to truly come by. Sure, at the end of the day you can count your friends but you can't really count on them it seems. Are we just supposed to move all the people who care and want to be the person who makes a difference onto some small island where we can all live together and not have to deal with the way the world is? I feel like that sometimes. Like there is no justice in me ever really trying to be kind or do good or see the positive in the situation because no one really cares or notices anyway. But I think it all really comes down to the fact that this world is evil and to truly shine in in, sometimes it feels like the only way to get by is to join that group and just give up on being who I truly am. I realize though, that nothing good can ever come of me changing my morals, and the fact that I care, because I won't be happy giving into that. I am going to keep pushing through the fire and looking at everyday like an opportunity to make the world a better place. Sure, people may judge me or misunderstand me and think that the way I am is just an excuse to avoid confrontation or to try to make myself look better than others. But in the end, only kindness matters. I've learned that, through tough times or not, being yourself is the only way to be. I will not give up the fight. I will continue to always love, choose good over evil, and put others before myself. Maybe that will make me suffer, and be below others, but I dont care. I want it this way because I know that I cannot truly be happy about always putting myself first. In this life, we have to honor what we believe, even when people knock us down, tell us we're wrong, or to just change because things will be easier. I will never take that path, and I don't care what I have to do. All people are good...we all bleed the same red blood. Making myself find the good in the situation is all I can do today..for myself and for others.

Measurement

Ephesians 4:7

But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ. 

So, we live with numbers as our guide, our rule. Time tells where we should be and what we should be doing for that moment. Money tells us our worth to the world. The number of cars we have, how big our house is, what our job pays, well, that is how we are measured by the world..

But what about to God?? We are measured only by the certainty we have in the fact that Christ died for us, and his blood has NO measure. Yet day by day, I feel the strain of numbers given to me by this world and wonder why I never feel good enough.

Its because we never WILL measure up in this world. The smartest person always has someone smarter, there's always someone prettier, wealthier, happier, cooler, whatever. While we can spend our time trying to measure up by investing our money and buying nice things, I think we should focus on the measure of our heart.

In the end, what will matter the most..its such a common, overused "parable" or whatever, but seriously. I look at my life and know that while I may have to pay off college debt, and may be struggling to find my place in this stupid "American dream" I can never let money be my motivation...EVER. Because as far as I'm concerned, the things we can't put a price tag on are truly the greatest things we have. I have seen men beat each other over shoes on the streets of Baltimore...and friendships fall apart right in front of my eyes because of bills, and payments, and pure nonsense.

I just hope I stay lucky enough to never want to chase the American dream...to just be happy with WHO I have...not what. I am determined to never let money come into my life as a factor that keeps me apart from the ones I love.

Is Lost A Christian Themed Show?

I am deeply addicted to the now off air show, LOST, watching and renting each season. I have been watching about three episodes a day and I am now in the middle of the 5th season. I cannot believe how many amazing historical, cultural, and most interesting to me, biblical references I find in the show. My memory of a lot of things is probably a bit fuzzy since I watched the seasons a bit back, but here is some things I've noticed. Culturally, there are SO many references, probably many that I won't even remember to list here, but some of which are: Lord of The Flies-Sawyer references this while in jungle Tom Sawyer-The name Sawyer chose for the man who "killed" his parents The brothers Karamazov-Locke gives this book to Ben while in the hatch Harry Potter-Hurley makes fun of Sawyer in his new glasses Boston Red Sox-Win World Series to convince Jack Disneyworld- Sawyer says he's never been to Disneyland. Kate does not drink, to which Sawyer replies, "Now, that's sad." OK theres a TON more but I am more interested in the christian references. This show is so genius with the cultural references. RELIGIOUS References Ok, obviously, the big one is the whole Locke and faith in the island thing. The whole series is based on Jack's facts vs. Locke's faith. The two battle over purpose vs. coincidence and faith vs. fact. Eventually, in my opinion, Jack figures out the the island IS in control and that he is a pawn to it, in a way. Not only is on of their main characters, Mr. Eko, who is a priest, but the very story line tied to him is an almost entire 3 episodes in (I believe) the second season. It involves his growing up in Africa, being taken, and returning to find his brother, Yemi, a priest. He tries to get Yemi to let him fly out a plane full of Virgin Mary statues filled with heroin, and Yemi dies trying to stop him. Eko is mistaken for a priest- and it is assumed he gives his life to God at that point. While on the island, he builds a church, carries a scripture stick, and makes several references to God giving him visions. Also, the cross he takes from Yemi's dead body is very symbolic and a big icon throughout the series until Eko dies. Ben references Doubting Thomas while he is standing in front of the picture of Thomas putting his hand into Jesus' side. He references Thomas' bravery, but tells that he is most known for doubting Jesus resurrection until he could touch his wounds. Also, lets not forget the whole fiasco over Charlie trying to have Aaron baptized. OR Hugo buying his mother a giant Jesus statue made of pure gold... Well, that's my take. I would love to hear more if anyone has any input.

Marriage? Real...or fake?

So, I've been reflecting a bit lately on how many people and friends I know that are getting married or at least are planning a wedding. How do people just "jump" into such a big decision? I dunno. I mean for me, I can't decide between whether I want Reese Puffs or Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast, let alone whether I really am in love enough with someone to spend my ENTIRE life with them. It's like marriage is no longer a sacred, committed, holy union. It's just...something fun to do. "WOO! I think you're cool...marriage, that would be fun right? I wanna wear a pretty dress and take some pictures. You're disposable. If I find someone better, I mean divorce isn't cheap but hey. Happiness isn't either!" I may come off as a pessamist, but I am only stating what I feel is one of the biggest leaps of faith and commitments someone can ever make. I just wish people could take things more seriously and realize what they are putting in for. Faith, trust, committment, love, unselfishness, good times, bad times, and not think of it as some dream like thing. Cuz it isn't.

Love is not a fight, its something worth fighting for.

I have to be honest. I am SO SICK of the regard in which humans treat each other. I just have been brought to my knees this last month by the things people do to each other. My family, my friends, complete strangers-I've seen the way they are treated by others and it just crushes me. I look at the way people treat the word "love" and how much they don't follow through with it at all. I cannot put into words how much I just wish the love we have for ourselves we would just cast onto others. No one is perfect-I know that I am guilty of all of this as well. But I am sick of the Devil holding power over us and commanding our hearts to be selfish-impatient-unkind. I pray that I would just always have a heart full of love for others because God knows this world needs it. The world is counting on people to love and to treat each other right...because there is so much that we need to change. I am sick of seeing relationships fall apart all around me because people are so FREAKING SELFISH and cannot just give of themselves. They instead look only at what they want and need and dont care to look at the situation any other way...why can't we just love one another more than we love ourselves and be able to do the impossible. I dont even think I have the capacity to put it into words correctly. I just want to see the world change and for kindness to be what matters-not things, or money, or possessions-just our relationships.

what do fire, water, earth, and joy all have in common?

my trip to lake carroll today that I'm about to take with one of my best friends.

It is amazing how God made his earth so beautifully, yet the joy from looking at the lake and fishing and building a fire is all so simple.

nothing is greater than the great outdoors and a camera. more to come.

Make the best of everything.

I want to change the world. Not just in that stereotypical way. I mean CHANGE it. I want to see people love each other unconditionally and mean it-I want to help end extreme poverty and hunger. I want kindness to abound, because in the end, only kindness matters. I am a creature of pure passion. I love Jesus Christ. I love my family. I love my friends. I love to be adventurous, taking any opportunity that comes my way. You only live once. I love running, jumping, biking, swimming. I love taking pictures and creating unforgettable memories. I love the wind in my face when I'm riding a jetski, my bike, jumping off a 100 foot cliff into the water, or just running as fast as I can. I love open fields full of dandelions with the sun shining fully on it in the summer. I love the way the leaves change colors and fall in the Fall, and the time it takes me back to when I see it. I love the way the snow falls in the winter and makes the whole world beautiful and sparkle. I love the smell of fresh cut grass in the Spring, and walking onto the track to get into the blocks for my race. I love my life and all the lessons I've learned and have yet to learn. I know that I have made mistakes and will make 1,000,000 more. But thats the way it it is:)