Ready for Fall

Every year, as Summer slowly slips away into the crisp, cool weather that is Fall, I feel like dread comes over me. The beginning of the school year, cold weather, and eventually winter. But this year, I am beginning to realize that the idealistic Summer weather is not what I love anymore. Fall is truly the greatest season of the year, for me. The changing colors of the leaves, the bonfires, sleeping with blankets and keeping the window open. Drinking hot chocolate for the first time since February, going to NIU football games ( now as a proud Alum!!), preparing my wardrobe for the winter.

When I was younger, I loved the summers for the warm weather, days spent entirely outside by the poolside, and time out of school. I carried in my mind that I needed to live somewhere warm all year long, like Florida or California, to be truly happy. But now that I have graduated and been able to spend a year in the working world, I have realized that I've been happy all along. NIU is my favorite place in the world to be, even though I was lucky enough to travel to Los Angeles, Orlando, and Vegas with the team for spring break.

As Fall of 2011 shortly approaches, I realize that I cannot WAIT for Huskie football season, tailgating in my jeans and sweatshirts and enjoying the morning dew and cold weather. I am excited for the bonfires and cookouts, the return of the college students to our town, and my continued growth in this crazy, unpredictable life. I have always considered the arrival of August as a stamp on the end of the summer, and I can't believe it's here. But I'm excited for whats next:)

The beauty of the human spirit

I believe truly that the human spirit is good. I know that we see on a constant daily basis that people are killing each other, stealing and hurting each other. But when it all comes down to it, there are over 300 million people that we share this country with...and over 6.8 billion that we share this planet with. Sometimes, it is hard to focus on the good because we are too obsessed with the bad...and why is that?

I will be the first to say that I am far from perfect. I live my life with the hope of inspiring others, and I try to do good by helping, supporting, and protecting others. But how many times have I fallen short..and hurt, disobeyed, and even ruined someone's day. It's hard for me to face, but at the same time, I know that in my human nature, I am going to really mess up. The beauty in that is that I have the chance to redeem myself, and show who I truly am. I have had moments where I felt the whole world had turned on me, and felt that I truly deserved that. But I know that with God, I am able to be seen for more than just those mistakes. I can be seen for who I truly am, my true character.

I hope that people realize that we're all human, we all make mistakes, even the most perfect people do things that they regret. I hope that we can begin to see all of the BEAUTY of the world, of the lives we live. There are SO many people who would be truly genuine friends, if we only give them the chance. I want my outlook to be more open, so that I can continue to explore the world and all of the amazing people that inhabit it.

The beauty of Jesus Christ-this is truly an amazing and unique way to portray and show the beauty of what Jesus did, and his life's impact on the world-in a way no other human could.

Stained Glass Windows...

It has been a month and 10 days since my friend Will McDermott passed away, yet everyday since I have felt like Will has been with me, on my mind and in my heart. It takes a person like Will to really show the world what real love looks like. I was lucky enough to know him as a friend, and as I have reflected the last 40 days, I am truly amazed at all of the things that Will did while he was here with us. Even though I only knew Will for a short 3 years while attending NIU, his impact on my life, and the life of others, will be with me for the rest of mine. Will was a beautiful person, a smile that lit up the room and a heart with unlimited kindness in regards to others. I will never forget the first time I met Will, my sophomore year, at the very beginning of the year. I had moved into Stevenson towers with my 3 best friends, and we were all in the common area enjoying the games that had been set up as a sort of welcome back for the students. I met Will while playing bags with my friend Jessica, and shortly after meeting him officially, he introduced me to his girlfriend, Lydia. As Jessica and I talked to the couple, we got on the topic of Athletes In Action. Will wanted us to make it to the first meeting that week, and after talking for a while, we decided we would love to come. As the year progressed, I regularly attended Athletes In Action, and although I sometimes missed meetings, I would look forward to running into Lydia or Will to catch up on what I had missed that week. I always thought it was so amazing that Lydia supported Will in everything he did, whether it be SAAC, AIA, or anything athletic. Even though she wasn't a student athlete, she still cared about it because Will did. Will was an exceptional and inspirational leader on campus and not just in athletics. I remember being so proud of Will for his representation of NIU at other schools he was involved with through AIA. When the tragedy happened on 2/14/2008, Will was selected to give a speech to all of the student-athletes at our dinner we had when we all returned to school. Will showed his faith in God through that speech, and the speech was so well delivered and written, it was no wonder he was choosen to give it. By the end of my Sophomore year, I had gotten to know Will and Lydia quite well and was so excited to be invited to their wedding that summer. Will and I also were excited to run together as president and Vice President of SAAC for the 2008-2009 school year, his senior year, my junior year. The summer before that year, I called Will often to speak about SAAC related things and just to catch up. The wedding was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to, and the reception the most fun. When we returned for the 2008-2009 school year, I was excited and anxious about being the leader of SAAC, but Will was always so supportive in meetings. Will pulled through so many times when other people dropped the ball, or didn't do what they were responsible for. Will and Lydia organized EVERYTHING for the Smash A Car fundraiser. I was almost embarassed at the fact that I didn't do anything more than set a date and help clean the car out at the junk yard. Everything Will did, he did 100%...I often found myself shaking my head at how humble he was, and telling him how much he does. He would always say "I don't do anything, I'm just the Vice President, you're the one who does it all Madam President"..and I'd always laugh. In my junior year, Will and Lydia impacted my life in many ways. They would have us over for dinner, to hang out, for Christmas parties, and I always felt so honored that two amazing people would want to have me in their lives. I loved that Will rode his motorcycle to meetings, and one day out of the blue he called me and said "It's a really nice day...you want to go for a motorcycle ride?" Just like that, for no reason, he outstretched his hand to me. Just like he had 1,000 times before by giving me rides to and from SAAC meetings, by staying after AIA and listening to me and talking to me, Will showed love like this to me. But not just to me...this was who Will was to EVERYONE. Anyone who needed him, Will was there. I always wondered how one person could take on so much responsibility and still manage a 4.0. But that was Will. I will never, ever forget what Will told me one night as I described the pain I was feeling over the loss of a friend. Will told me that he knew we would be friends again..and I said how can you know that Will? "Because Rachel, I have faith in people." One Sunday at church, my pastor recommended that we all write a letter to the person who had influenced our faith. I thought about it, and what it really meant to me. It really came without much reluctance to me that my letter would be sent to Will and Lydia. They needed to know how much they had changed my life, had shown me faith through circumstance, how much their suppor meant, and what an amazing blessing they were on my life. What meant the most to me though, as I remember Will, was the call I got the summer before my senior year. I answered the phone, and the voice on the other line said "Hello Rachel, this is Officer __ from the NIU Police Department" I was so afraid that I had done something wrong....timidly I answered "What can I do for you officer?" As the call progressed, the officer explained to me that Will McDermott had applied for a position as an officer on the force, and that they knew I knew Will well. I am proud that I got to brag about Will, his character, accomplishments, NIU pride, and how reliable he was. I saw him only a few times during my senior year, walking around at football games. I would always run up to him and hug him, even though he was so serious in his uniform. I know that I was not his best friend, or the person he was closest to, but that was how Will made people feel. He showed love that made people believe in themselves. He meant so much to me, and I know that everyone who knew Will felt the same way. It's amazing to me that I was able to be a part of the life and legacy that he left behind. I needed to put this out there, for the world to know, because it gives me comfort to recollect on his life, for the few short years he was in mine. Thank you Will. I will never forget you.

Casualties.

April is 5 days away...and I am more nervous about April 2011 than I have ever been about that month before in my life. My life is going to change..drastically...again. When I was deferred in August, I felt like April would never come..heck I actually thought by this time I would have a "real" job..whatever that means. I am now at the point where I have to decide. Am I going to try to achieve my dream again? Am I going to patiently wait while I am tested, mailed, referenced, to see if I can be placed again? I remember the day I got my placement, and I was told I would go to either Central or South America..and how ecstatic I was...my dream had come true. I was going to live my dream of living in another country and helping the world..I could have the chance to change the world..my dream. But when I got that letter in August that I would have to wait until April..I just knew, for some reason, God was making me wait. He needed me to be here with my family, so we could all be together through all of the heartache and pain we have endured in these last 8 months. Maybe even bigger than that, he needed me to grow even further, and show me that I really truly can do ANYTHING through Christ who strengthens me. I know that is why I needed to wait, and even though it wasn't easy, I just reminded myself. My ringtone on my cell phone, my reminder, was "Casualties" by Addison Road. I needed that reminder everyday that I could easily fall prey to the "American dream"...a dream SO DIFFERENT from my own. I know that for me, I really could never truly be happy if this decision wasn't made. So April is here, and here I go again...I'm putting myself out there for this chance, just one more time. This is my life, and I have to be who I want to be. Recently, I heard and truly was moved by the lyrics of "Crazy Love" by Hawk Nelson. I know that people think it is ridiculous for me to leave, to try to apply again, and they make me well aware of all the danger and the reasons I shouldn't go. If I am truly not meant to go, God will show me. If it doesn't work out again, I will understand. There will not be pain, because I know that there is another way for me. I can change the world from my own backyard..and I understand that.But I have another chance, and you better believe I'm going to take it.

Just a little song I've been working on..

You have yourself convinced that you're a soldier..

But now its over.

Where do you stand?

You fall beneath the weight of your own darkness..

But you could stop this.

Even though you say you can't.

But when the angels go down at the edge of the harbor

My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to wander

What is the purpose, why do I bother?

With you my "father".

Mean People Suck...Love Them Anyway

Sometimes it feels like the world is totally against you. It feels easy to see enemies in every person you meet, in your family, friends, and coworkers. I know what I feel like when I feel so misunderstood and just want to make the world a better place. It's so easy to feel like no one cares and that no matter what you do there isn't really any way to change for the better. I think sometimes I feel down about society because to me, a lot of the time America is just a selfish, uncaring place and if you're one of those people who wants to change that, I can totally relate. I wish that love wasn't so hard to truly come by. Sure, at the end of the day you can count your friends but you can't really count on them it seems. Are we just supposed to move all the people who care and want to be the person who makes a difference onto some small island where we can all live together and not have to deal with the way the world is? I feel like that sometimes. Like there is no justice in me ever really trying to be kind or do good or see the positive in the situation because no one really cares or notices anyway. But I think it all really comes down to the fact that this world is evil and to truly shine in in, sometimes it feels like the only way to get by is to join that group and just give up on being who I truly am. I realize though, that nothing good can ever come of me changing my morals, and the fact that I care, because I won't be happy giving into that. I am going to keep pushing through the fire and looking at everyday like an opportunity to make the world a better place. Sure, people may judge me or misunderstand me and think that the way I am is just an excuse to avoid confrontation or to try to make myself look better than others. But in the end, only kindness matters. I've learned that, through tough times or not, being yourself is the only way to be. I will not give up the fight. I will continue to always love, choose good over evil, and put others before myself. Maybe that will make me suffer, and be below others, but I dont care. I want it this way because I know that I cannot truly be happy about always putting myself first. In this life, we have to honor what we believe, even when people knock us down, tell us we're wrong, or to just change because things will be easier. I will never take that path, and I don't care what I have to do. All people are good...we all bleed the same red blood. Making myself find the good in the situation is all I can do today..for myself and for others.

Measurement

Ephesians 4:7

But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ. 

So, we live with numbers as our guide, our rule. Time tells where we should be and what we should be doing for that moment. Money tells us our worth to the world. The number of cars we have, how big our house is, what our job pays, well, that is how we are measured by the world..

But what about to God?? We are measured only by the certainty we have in the fact that Christ died for us, and his blood has NO measure. Yet day by day, I feel the strain of numbers given to me by this world and wonder why I never feel good enough.

Its because we never WILL measure up in this world. The smartest person always has someone smarter, there's always someone prettier, wealthier, happier, cooler, whatever. While we can spend our time trying to measure up by investing our money and buying nice things, I think we should focus on the measure of our heart.

In the end, what will matter the most..its such a common, overused "parable" or whatever, but seriously. I look at my life and know that while I may have to pay off college debt, and may be struggling to find my place in this stupid "American dream" I can never let money be my motivation...EVER. Because as far as I'm concerned, the things we can't put a price tag on are truly the greatest things we have. I have seen men beat each other over shoes on the streets of Baltimore...and friendships fall apart right in front of my eyes because of bills, and payments, and pure nonsense.

I just hope I stay lucky enough to never want to chase the American dream...to just be happy with WHO I have...not what. I am determined to never let money come into my life as a factor that keeps me apart from the ones I love.