Casualties.

April is 5 days away...and I am more nervous about April 2011 than I have ever been about that month before in my life. My life is going to change..drastically...again. When I was deferred in August, I felt like April would never come..heck I actually thought by this time I would have a "real" job..whatever that means. I am now at the point where I have to decide. Am I going to try to achieve my dream again? Am I going to patiently wait while I am tested, mailed, referenced, to see if I can be placed again? I remember the day I got my placement, and I was told I would go to either Central or South America..and how ecstatic I was...my dream had come true. I was going to live my dream of living in another country and helping the world..I could have the chance to change the world..my dream. But when I got that letter in August that I would have to wait until April..I just knew, for some reason, God was making me wait. He needed me to be here with my family, so we could all be together through all of the heartache and pain we have endured in these last 8 months. Maybe even bigger than that, he needed me to grow even further, and show me that I really truly can do ANYTHING through Christ who strengthens me. I know that is why I needed to wait, and even though it wasn't easy, I just reminded myself. My ringtone on my cell phone, my reminder, was "Casualties" by Addison Road. I needed that reminder everyday that I could easily fall prey to the "American dream"...a dream SO DIFFERENT from my own. I know that for me, I really could never truly be happy if this decision wasn't made. So April is here, and here I go again...I'm putting myself out there for this chance, just one more time. This is my life, and I have to be who I want to be. Recently, I heard and truly was moved by the lyrics of "Crazy Love" by Hawk Nelson. I know that people think it is ridiculous for me to leave, to try to apply again, and they make me well aware of all the danger and the reasons I shouldn't go. If I am truly not meant to go, God will show me. If it doesn't work out again, I will understand. There will not be pain, because I know that there is another way for me. I can change the world from my own backyard..and I understand that.But I have another chance, and you better believe I'm going to take it.