It's not about changing the world. It's about trying not to be changed by it.

I found an old post I wrote when I was 20. My heart still beats the same, for God and people, all these years later.

I Believe

April 2, 2009 at 9:11am

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I believe in Jesus Christ. That he saved me, and this whole world.

I believe in the beauty of the world. Even when you don't always look for it, beauty exists in everything.
Some people do not believe there is beauty in this world. I want to be able to be an example of that beauty and show it to as many people as I can.

I believe in forgiveness. Sometimes people do things that no one could possibly see good in. But things happen, and forgiveness must come as time passes. There is no now like this one.
Some people do not believe in forgiveness..I want to show them how amazing it is to know that it will set them free.

I believe in the good in people. No matter who you are, what you may have done, or how much you have changed..people are good. The world is filled with evil , but so many people prove to me on a daily basis that good exists, because people care, and are real. I want to be one of those people.

I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. Because I know I am loved by someone who will never stop loving me. And although as humans we suffer because of brokenness, I strive to show and be shown that Christs love can conquer all things, and heal even the deepest of wounds. Love is real..even when you don't feel it.

I believe in miracles. I have seen God's hand in my life, in the lives of others. God changes people. God changes lives. God grants miracles.

I believe in change. Change isn't always good, but if I didn't believe in it, I wouldn't be able to accept where God has placed me now. We always want to know the future..but in knowing the future we can't accept it. we have to take each day as it comes because otherwise..nothing would ever be worth living for.

I believe in 70 x 7. Matthew 18:21-22. It has set me free.

I believe in kindness..even though it isn't always returned. Sometimes this is the most difficult thing in the world.But I don't want to change ME..because of hate. Always love:) Hate will get you every time.

I ain't living in the dark no more, I'm just gonna call it.

Axiom: a self-evident truth that requires no proof; evident without proof or reasoning.

I have spent the last year of my life realizing the impact of what it means to be true to yourself, to find the truths in yourself. After 25 years of life, I have found that there were many truths about myself that I had been ignoring, rejecting, and ashamed of. But the more time I spent walking in the shadow of a lie-a lie that was my own life-the more important it became to me to take in the truth and finally accept myself for who I am. While there was a lot of reasoning that went into my discovery, the ultimate self-evident truth in my life required no proof in the end. Since I discovered and truly acknowledged this axiom, I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I am whole in a way that I had never thought possible.

There is no perfect person, no perfect life, not one story line in humanity that comes without some form of tragedy. My life has been surrounded by a lot of tragedy, and with that, feelings of pain, loss, rejection, fear, and hate have clouded my vision and prevented me from truly seeing. But within the horrible events I have witnessed and experienced, I have gained in myself trust, love, reasoning, humility, and above all, acceptance. Not just for myself for application in my own life,  but in my outlook for others. To let people come as they are, in all shapes and sizes, colors and qualities.

I find that the tragedy of the human condition is that we have taken it upon ourselves to find fault in others as opposed to seeking out the beauty and the good. If only we lived in a world where who we truly are could be loved and accepted, instead of belittled and rejected. I have represented here my greatest self-evident truth: that I am loved by so many for who I am. Despite my human nature, my faults, my mistakes, I am loved and am seen and cared for. And this is how we should all feel-and should strive to make others feel.

The greatest sense of love I have gained since I accepted my axiom is the love I finally have for myself and the person I truly am.

The Listening

From a young age, I have been an outgoing person, thriving off of the company of others. My mother has told me stories of myself as a child, in the center of a group of children, amusing them and making them laugh. By the time I had left home at 18 for college, I was accustomed to stopping to talk to anyone and everyone, whether they be a lifelong friend, or someone whose shoes I liked. I would frustrate friends who would take trips with me to the mall, only for them to have to stand by while I tried to catch up with someone I hadn’t seen in a while. It wasn’t hard for me to make friends in college-I was thrilled to be in an environment where everyone wanted the same thing-to make friends and feel included. I would simply walk to up people and start talking to them, easily finding common interests or making jokes to break the ice. It is just who I am, and I consider my outgoing nature and love for people my leading character trait. I love talking to people, hearing them and their stories, and learning about them.

But as time went on, I started noticing something unsettling. The more people I talked to, the more I realized…actual interest in people was not common. I found the stories, experiences, and memories of others something that genuinely interested me. But as I talked to people, and listened to them, it came to my attention how desperately they wanted to be heard. How much they wanted to have someone ask a question.. and actually want to hear the answer…not just find a way to edge a story about themselves into the conversation. And I realized that as much as I wanted to talk to people…all I really need to do is listen. I had a simple conversation a few weeks ago with a boy working in a retail store in the mall. I had a question about an item, and the conversation basically lead into us talking about his job there, and another he had in construction, and what he wanted to do with his life. Near the end of our conversation, he told me “you’re probably the nicest person I’ve talked to in like three months. Thanks for actually listening to me.” I did little more than ask a few questions here and there, and simply listened to what he had to say. But somehow, the simplicity of listening was all he needed.

When I made the choice 7 months ago to pack up and move away from my small hometown in central Illinois to live in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, I imagined my outgoing nature and curiosity in people would carry over and I would continue to make friends. Moving 500 miles from home is certainly a topic that can break the ice. People are curious at what would cause someone to do such a thing, and even more so, how could you leave the comforts of friends and family to move somewhere that you don’t know anyone? I try to make my story short and simple-I love God, and I love people, and I felt this is where I needed to be. My story gives me the opportunity to talk to people, and with these conversations I can easily Segway into what I really want to do. Ask about them. Talk to them about their lives, experiences, families, friends, and what matters to them. In fact, as often as I can when meeting new people here, I try to quickly divert the topic from myself, and dig into the interests of others. I know that I have a story to tell-but so does everyone else.

When we really reflect on our lives-why is it that constantly, our own interests are all we care about and want to talk about? There are 6.9 billion people in this world, some similar to us, some incredibly different, but not one person exactly the same. So why not take an interest in someone besides yourself? Why is making an effort to listen so much harder than wanting to talk about what we have to say. Often I find that we are so busy trying to think of what to say next that we aren’t even listening to what is currently being said to us. Jesus told parables-but he also listened to others with compassion, and loved them when they needed to be heard.

So that’s my challenge to myself daily. As interesting as I'd like to think think I am, and as much as Iwant to be heard-realize that everyone around you has a story, and they want to be heard. Don't be afraid of someone who doesn't fit into your box or culture. Talk to someone different-let someone’s experiences truly amaze you. You might be surprised at how much you’ve missed if you simply listen.

Religion Vs. Relationship

This is a topic I have wanted to make note of for quite some time. I think recently even more so, because it has been brought to my attention several times. With that being said, I think I'll begin by quoting the song by Jason Gray- More Like Falling In Love. "All Religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet-it never set me free" The first time I heard one of my friends say "I'm really not a religious person" it concerned me. He had been one of those people at youth gatherings that I had always looked up to...and now he was saying he didn't consider himself religious. At the time, to me "religious" meant what most people would assume... someone who believes in God..and simply that. I asked him about this..and that's when I learned what he meant. "Well, religion is a practice, and for me, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ." Although I'd never heard it put that way, I understood what he meant...foundationally anyway. It's difficult sometimes for me, because people who know me on a personal level probably know I love the Lord, even though I'm not terribly outgoing about it. I would never deny God, it's just my philosophy that forcing it on people is a pretty unsuccessful route. I will have friends who aren't Christians who will say "I know you're religious, but..." Doesn't bother me...but at the same time, I want to point out that I'm not religious. In fact, the textbook definition of religious today is so twisted from people who present themselves as Christians, and treat people SO far and so very different than what Jesus ever intended. What I want to explain to them is that I have a personal relationship, and that is why I am who I am. Not because I go to church every single sunday, or read my bible everyday, or whatever it is that is "expected" that someone who is religious should do. It is because I LOVE Jesus Christ, and I fully admit I wouldn't be anything without that relationship. Anyone who knows me on a personal level will also know that while I am a Christian..I also am fully and wholly a sinner. I do things I shouldn't, say things I shouldn't, and while I try to minimalize my "mistakes", I know I'm nowhere perfect. I guess I'm pointing this out, because without those flaws, I wouldn't have a reason to love my savior. My biggest goal in life is to love others like I am loved-but people have to understand that I am human, and God is God. We all fall short of His glory. So if you want to know why I'm a Christian, you will get an answer; without my relationship with God- not perfect church attendance or "good works", I wouldn't be who I am. <3RP

Ready for Fall

Every year, as Summer slowly slips away into the crisp, cool weather that is Fall, I feel like dread comes over me. The beginning of the school year, cold weather, and eventually winter. But this year, I am beginning to realize that the idealistic Summer weather is not what I love anymore. Fall is truly the greatest season of the year, for me. The changing colors of the leaves, the bonfires, sleeping with blankets and keeping the window open. Drinking hot chocolate for the first time since February, going to NIU football games ( now as a proud Alum!!), preparing my wardrobe for the winter.

When I was younger, I loved the summers for the warm weather, days spent entirely outside by the poolside, and time out of school. I carried in my mind that I needed to live somewhere warm all year long, like Florida or California, to be truly happy. But now that I have graduated and been able to spend a year in the working world, I have realized that I've been happy all along. NIU is my favorite place in the world to be, even though I was lucky enough to travel to Los Angeles, Orlando, and Vegas with the team for spring break.

As Fall of 2011 shortly approaches, I realize that I cannot WAIT for Huskie football season, tailgating in my jeans and sweatshirts and enjoying the morning dew and cold weather. I am excited for the bonfires and cookouts, the return of the college students to our town, and my continued growth in this crazy, unpredictable life. I have always considered the arrival of August as a stamp on the end of the summer, and I can't believe it's here. But I'm excited for whats next:)

The beauty of the human spirit

I believe truly that the human spirit is good. I know that we see on a constant daily basis that people are killing each other, stealing and hurting each other. But when it all comes down to it, there are over 300 million people that we share this country with...and over 6.8 billion that we share this planet with. Sometimes, it is hard to focus on the good because we are too obsessed with the bad...and why is that?

I will be the first to say that I am far from perfect. I live my life with the hope of inspiring others, and I try to do good by helping, supporting, and protecting others. But how many times have I fallen short..and hurt, disobeyed, and even ruined someone's day. It's hard for me to face, but at the same time, I know that in my human nature, I am going to really mess up. The beauty in that is that I have the chance to redeem myself, and show who I truly am. I have had moments where I felt the whole world had turned on me, and felt that I truly deserved that. But I know that with God, I am able to be seen for more than just those mistakes. I can be seen for who I truly am, my true character.

I hope that people realize that we're all human, we all make mistakes, even the most perfect people do things that they regret. I hope that we can begin to see all of the BEAUTY of the world, of the lives we live. There are SO many people who would be truly genuine friends, if we only give them the chance. I want my outlook to be more open, so that I can continue to explore the world and all of the amazing people that inhabit it.

The beauty of Jesus Christ-this is truly an amazing and unique way to portray and show the beauty of what Jesus did, and his life's impact on the world-in a way no other human could.

Stained Glass Windows...

It has been a month and 10 days since my friend Will McDermott passed away, yet everyday since I have felt like Will has been with me, on my mind and in my heart. It takes a person like Will to really show the world what real love looks like. I was lucky enough to know him as a friend, and as I have reflected the last 40 days, I am truly amazed at all of the things that Will did while he was here with us. Even though I only knew Will for a short 3 years while attending NIU, his impact on my life, and the life of others, will be with me for the rest of mine. Will was a beautiful person, a smile that lit up the room and a heart with unlimited kindness in regards to others. I will never forget the first time I met Will, my sophomore year, at the very beginning of the year. I had moved into Stevenson towers with my 3 best friends, and we were all in the common area enjoying the games that had been set up as a sort of welcome back for the students. I met Will while playing bags with my friend Jessica, and shortly after meeting him officially, he introduced me to his girlfriend, Lydia. As Jessica and I talked to the couple, we got on the topic of Athletes In Action. Will wanted us to make it to the first meeting that week, and after talking for a while, we decided we would love to come. As the year progressed, I regularly attended Athletes In Action, and although I sometimes missed meetings, I would look forward to running into Lydia or Will to catch up on what I had missed that week. I always thought it was so amazing that Lydia supported Will in everything he did, whether it be SAAC, AIA, or anything athletic. Even though she wasn't a student athlete, she still cared about it because Will did. Will was an exceptional and inspirational leader on campus and not just in athletics. I remember being so proud of Will for his representation of NIU at other schools he was involved with through AIA. When the tragedy happened on 2/14/2008, Will was selected to give a speech to all of the student-athletes at our dinner we had when we all returned to school. Will showed his faith in God through that speech, and the speech was so well delivered and written, it was no wonder he was choosen to give it. By the end of my Sophomore year, I had gotten to know Will and Lydia quite well and was so excited to be invited to their wedding that summer. Will and I also were excited to run together as president and Vice President of SAAC for the 2008-2009 school year, his senior year, my junior year. The summer before that year, I called Will often to speak about SAAC related things and just to catch up. The wedding was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to, and the reception the most fun. When we returned for the 2008-2009 school year, I was excited and anxious about being the leader of SAAC, but Will was always so supportive in meetings. Will pulled through so many times when other people dropped the ball, or didn't do what they were responsible for. Will and Lydia organized EVERYTHING for the Smash A Car fundraiser. I was almost embarassed at the fact that I didn't do anything more than set a date and help clean the car out at the junk yard. Everything Will did, he did 100%...I often found myself shaking my head at how humble he was, and telling him how much he does. He would always say "I don't do anything, I'm just the Vice President, you're the one who does it all Madam President"..and I'd always laugh. In my junior year, Will and Lydia impacted my life in many ways. They would have us over for dinner, to hang out, for Christmas parties, and I always felt so honored that two amazing people would want to have me in their lives. I loved that Will rode his motorcycle to meetings, and one day out of the blue he called me and said "It's a really nice day...you want to go for a motorcycle ride?" Just like that, for no reason, he outstretched his hand to me. Just like he had 1,000 times before by giving me rides to and from SAAC meetings, by staying after AIA and listening to me and talking to me, Will showed love like this to me. But not just to me...this was who Will was to EVERYONE. Anyone who needed him, Will was there. I always wondered how one person could take on so much responsibility and still manage a 4.0. But that was Will. I will never, ever forget what Will told me one night as I described the pain I was feeling over the loss of a friend. Will told me that he knew we would be friends again..and I said how can you know that Will? "Because Rachel, I have faith in people." One Sunday at church, my pastor recommended that we all write a letter to the person who had influenced our faith. I thought about it, and what it really meant to me. It really came without much reluctance to me that my letter would be sent to Will and Lydia. They needed to know how much they had changed my life, had shown me faith through circumstance, how much their suppor meant, and what an amazing blessing they were on my life. What meant the most to me though, as I remember Will, was the call I got the summer before my senior year. I answered the phone, and the voice on the other line said "Hello Rachel, this is Officer __ from the NIU Police Department" I was so afraid that I had done something wrong....timidly I answered "What can I do for you officer?" As the call progressed, the officer explained to me that Will McDermott had applied for a position as an officer on the force, and that they knew I knew Will well. I am proud that I got to brag about Will, his character, accomplishments, NIU pride, and how reliable he was. I saw him only a few times during my senior year, walking around at football games. I would always run up to him and hug him, even though he was so serious in his uniform. I know that I was not his best friend, or the person he was closest to, but that was how Will made people feel. He showed love that made people believe in themselves. He meant so much to me, and I know that everyone who knew Will felt the same way. It's amazing to me that I was able to be a part of the life and legacy that he left behind. I needed to put this out there, for the world to know, because it gives me comfort to recollect on his life, for the few short years he was in mine. Thank you Will. I will never forget you.